The Pilgrim's Progress

As a young man, I was zealous for Christianity. This got me into Bible college, church leadership and world travel. I was trained to preach, teach and evangelize.

When I went to Southeast Asia the first time, I had to begin to come to terms with the fact that I really didn't know what I was preaching. I was assigned to go with a group of girls, and because of the culture, I was forced to be the lead spokesmen. No longer would my simple Sunday School answers work. Silly skits and self-help-love-your-neighbor-motivational speeches just don't have the same impact cross-culturally, and they lack the depth of truth needed to pull someone out of ingrained paganism and idol worship. What was I preaching? What was my message? What is the Gospel? Was it that the creator made a bunch of rules that none of us can follow, so He sent His Son to suffer and die to set us free from His own instructions!? How does that work? Is the Son working against the Father? Did the Son accomplish what the devil could not, allowing guilt-free braking of the Father's instructions in righteousness?

I remember confessing to the leader, “I have nothing to say.” To which she retorted, “That's a lie!”

I managed to preach the sermons like I knew what I was talking about.

When I returned to Thailand the next year, I felt like G-d was telling me to just shut up and listen. This seemed strange as I was supposed to be a missionary, sharing Christ, evangelizing, ect. I thought, “Salvation is found in knowing the Savior.” But even the demons know who the Savior is, so it can be just knowledge/education. So I thought, “It's about selflessly loving your neighbor.” But nearly every religion teaches love. Are all religions the same with different packaging? That's certainly not what the Scriptures say. “Do not worship the L-RD your G-d in the way these pagan peoples worship their gods.” Deuteronomy 12:4

I realized that I needed and wanted to know the message of the Messiah.

One day, over tea, a close missionary friend confided in me that he couldn't reconcile the G-d of the Old Testament with the G-d of the New Testament. The first seemed to be about laws, judgment and wrath while the latter seems to be about peace, love and forgiveness. How can this be? How does this work?

I was disappointed with myself that I could not give him an answer.

Meanwhile, I was doing an independent study trying to finish my Bible college degree. One of the assignments was to interview someone from a different religion. So I met with a Islamic professor. During the interview, she asked me, “Do you follow the teachings of Paul; or do you follow the teachings of Jesus?” That was a curve ball I wasn't expecting. I hadn't made the comparison, so I denied that there was a difference.

Again, I was disappointed at my ignorance.

Another year or two passed, and I was back in the states. One day, while reading my Bible I found myself in Leviticus 23. There G-d is explaining His annual holidays, and He repeatedly says (in various ways) “...it shall be a statute forever throughout your generations in all your dwellings”. I thought, “I have never done these.” So I walked across the street to the seminary student center. I explained that one of the biblical holidays is coming up, and I would like to be involved if anyone is acknowledging it. The lady looked at me a little puzzled and said, “I don't think anyone is dong anything for that.”

I walked away thinking, “Some-thing's wrong. Our scriptures repeatedly say to do this forever, and the place that trains our spiritual leaders doesn't follow the instructions.”

So I got on craigslist and found a family that celebrates according to the Scriptures. They came over, and we had a good visit, but they lived too far away to fellowship regularly. The man recommended I watch some teachings by Jim Staley with Passion for Truth Ministries. I watched some of the teachings, but replied by email to my new friend, “If you're trying to bring back the Law, no thank you.”

I was willing to obey by having more holidays, but I didn't want the responsibility/obligation of real lifestyle change. I thought, “Didn't Jesus change all that, so we don't have to follow all those rules anymore?”

Meanwhile, my mom was exposing the paganism in Christmas and Easter. It didn't take much research at all to see that she was right, and those are some disgusting holidays. But my conscience began to bother me about Sunday. Again, it wasn't hard to find that Sunday really isn't the Sabbath. Yet I always understood that Christians are still responsible to follow the ten commandments, so what do we do about the 4^th?

In my ignorant zeal, I began to follow the Lunar Sabbath. This is a theory that teaches that the weekly Sabbath is based on the New moon, and therefore changes each month. One month the 7 day cycle may start on Tuesday; the next month it may be Wednesday, and so on. My employer was very compliant with my confusing calendar, but it was rather silly. I later realized that Yeshua affirmed the Saturday Sabbath cycle that the Jews were and still are honoring.

It was during this time that Heidi and Kendra (my daughters) moved out, and I moved back to KC to be with Keen (my son, who was attending a private Christian school). We then attended my grandfather's church on Sunday's, but I was secretly (halfway) honoring a different Sabbath.

One day, an old friend invited me to meet him for coffee at McDonald's. I was really into End-Time prophecy, and I was always hungry to find another piece to the puzzle. He asked for my thoughts on Isaiah 65 and 66. “What do you think about this?” he asked pointing to the first few verses of 65. This is the end of Isaiah's prophecies. G-d is giving a list of things (or people) that have Him infuriated enough to bring judgment on all flesh with fire and bring about a New Heaven and New Earth. End-Times... hasn't happened... right up my alley... bring it... and then I read, “...A people who provoke Me to anger continually to My face;...Who eat swine’s flesh, And the broth of abominable things is in their vessels;” And later He mentions it again in 66:17, “'Those...Eating swine’s flesh and the abomination...Shall be consumed together,' says the L-rd.”

It was like a light came on. I thought, “If the dietary instructions still apply, maybe all the instructions still apply.” I argued with my Torah observant friend for a couple weeks, but all my arguments fell flat under the wealth of Scripture against me.

Of course, I went to Peter's vision. But Peter and the elders both interpret the dream as an invitation to Gentiles. With two interpretations of the vision, no one mentions food after Peter's confusion is settled.

I went to Yeshua's declaring “all foods clean,” but in both passages He is talking about the tradition of hand washing (although good for health and hygiene, it's not a Torah commandment). Just because I'm ceremonially unclean (because I had an adult occurrence, a fun night with the wife, touched a dead body a couple days ago, etc) doesn't mean I have to fast until I'm in proper standing again, nor does the hand washing make me or the food extra sanctified. And pig (for example) was never food anyway; the Torah tells us what is food and what is not food. So declaring all foods clean changes nothing.

I realized that there is one thing that the Messiah said not to think. He said, “Do not think that I came to destroy the Law or the Prophets. I did not come to destroy but to fulfill. For assuredly, I say to you, till heaven and earth pass away, one jot or one tittle will by no means pass from the law till all is fulfilled.” I have learned that when a Jew talks about doing a commandment (giving to charity for example), it is referred to as fulfilling the command. He obeyed (fulfilled) all of Torah, and we are to live like He lived and fulfill the Torah also. He said, “If you love Me, keep My commandments.”

I even tried the argument that the Torah is just for the Jews. But that fell apart terribly. To begin with, it was a mixed multitude that came out of Egypt and received the Torah. Then, He says, “One ordinance shall be for you of the assembly and for the stranger who dwells with you, an ordinance forever throughout your generations; as you are, so shall the stranger be before the Lord. One law and one custom shall be for you and for the stranger who dwells with you.” Numbers 15:15-16 Even Paul says, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Yeshua the Messiah.” Galatians 3:28

Then the excuse came up that those instructions are only for when the people are in the land, and we are a long way from Israel so they don't apply to us in this place. But this is a terribly weak point in light of passages like: “Now it shall come to pass, when all these things come upon you, the blessing and the curse which I have set before you, and you call them to mind among all the nations where the L-rd your G-d drives you, and you return to the L-rd your G-d and obey His voice, according to all that I command you today, you and your children, with all your heart and with all your soul, that the L-rd your G-d will bring you back from captivity, and have compassion on you, and gather you again from all the nations where the L-rd your G-d has scattered you.” Deuteronomy 30:1-3

I began to read the Scriptures with new eyes looking for evidence of the eternal commandments, and I began to feel like it was on every page. Why hadn't I seen this before? There was no longer a disconnect between the Old and New Testaments. Its one story with one unified message.

Moses is saying it repeatedly. For example: “You shall not add to the word which I command you, nor take from it, that you may keep the commandments of the L-rd your G-d which I command you.” Deuteronomy 4:2

“‘Cursed is the one who does not confirm all the words of this law by observing them.'...” Deuteronomy 27:26

The Psalmist says it over and over. For example: The longest chapter in the Bible, Psalm 119, is dedicated to the topic.

142 “Your righteousness is an everlasting righteousness,

And Your law is truth.

143 Trouble and anguish have overtaken me,

Yet Your commandments are my delights.

144 The righteousness of Your testimonies is everlasting;

Give me understanding, and I shall live.”

160 “The entirety of Your word is truth,

And every one of Your righteous judgments endures forever.”

The Messiah even says, “...For this cause I was born, and for this cause I have come into the world, that I should bear witness to the truth...” (John 18:37) And a chapter earlier He defines Truth as He prays with, “Sanctify them by Your truth. Your word is truth.” (John 17:17 granted, I don't understand how John got record of these two conversations, but that is for a deeper study).

All the Prophets are talking about it. “Yet the L-rd testified against Israel and against Judah, by all of His prophets, every seer, saying, “Turn from your evil ways, and keep My commandments and My statutes, according to all the law which I commanded your fathers, and which I sent to you by My servants the prophets.” 2 Kings 17:13

“Remember the Law of Moses, My servant,

Which I commanded him in Horeb for all Israel,

With the statutes and judgments.

Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet

Before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the L-rd.” Malachi 4:4-5

The Apostles affirm it. For example, Peter says, “[H]aving been born again, not of corruptible seed but incorruptible, through the word of G-d which lives and abides forever, because

'All flesh is as grass,

And all the glory of man as the flower of the grass.

The grass withers,

And its flower falls away,

But the word of the L-rd endures forever.'

Now this is the word which by the gospel was preached to you.“ 1 Peter 1:23-25

The other writers make it clear (with perhaps the exception of Paul, but again, we can get into that later). “For I give you good doctrine: Do not forsake my law.” Proverbs 4:2

“Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter:

Fear G-d and keep His commandments,

For this is man’s all.” Ecclesiastes 12:13

In contrast to the signs of who is included in the Kingdom and how we ought to walk, we also find many disturbing passages defining who is not and why. “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘L-rd, L-rd,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, ‘L-rd, L-rd, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!’” Matthew 7:21-23

“One who turns away his ear from hearing the law, Even his prayer is an abomination.” Proverbs 28:9

“To the law and to the testimony! If they do not speak according to this word, it is because there is no light in them.” Isaiah 8:20

I realized that, as I taught children religion apart from the Torah, I was one of the wolves in sheep's clothing that Yeshua was warning about. Because the prophet Ezekiel defines a leader who is a wolf, “Her priests have violated My law and profaned My holy things; they have not distinguished between the holy and unholy, nor have they made known the difference between the unclean and the clean; and they have hidden their eyes from My Sabbaths, so that I am profaned among them. Her princes in her midst are like wolves tearing the prey, to shed blood, to destroy people, and to get dishonest gain.” 22:26-27

I found a ministry (119ministries) that helps Greek-minded westerners like us better understand how the Torah is lived in todays world and why. I loved it and ate it like candy. I was so hungry for answers. Their motto seemed to be “Test everything”, and they encouraged their viewers to test their teachings with the scriptures.

After I repented and began my walk in the Way, the Truth and the Light (not that I have arrived or have it all figured out), I was so excited about this new insight, and I was concerned for my loved ones who where outside of Truth. So I somewhat threw it in their faces, and quoted scriptures like,

“...The Gentiles shall come to You

From the ends of the earth and say,

'Surely our fathers have inherited lies,

Worthlessness and unprofitable things.'” Jeremiah 16:19

This is not what parents and grandparents like to hear. Go figure. Its kind of like the proverb, “A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city: and their contentions are like the bars of a castle.” 18:19 I didn't know how to present it to them, and I thought that if they would just watch 119ministries' teachings they would understand. This made it look like Brian found some website and joined some cult. The poor poor man...yada yada.

Anyway, it's been (and still is) an exciting journey, and I'm happy to go on and give more details, but hopefully this gives you a little better understanding of the changes I have made in my life lately. I love the Torah. Moses was right; in it you will find Life. It's the primary message of the sermon on the mount. We have a rock we can build our lives on. It is the foundation that our entire value-set and world-view should be based. When we detox bad doctrine, misguided cultural priorities and personal opinions about how to love/serve G-d and others, and we in-turn reprogram our minds and hearts around what He says is important and how He says He wants to be loved / served, our walk goes to a much deeper level (if we were even walking to begin with).

The Pain Farm

Central Missouri does not have much to offer when it comes to developed civilization.  There's a nuclear power plant, a few towns, the capital city and some civil war memorials, but it's mostly country folk and farm life.  If you dare to leave the main highway between Kansas City and St. Louis, pass through the small town of Fulton, and drive a few miles further in to the hills, you may (if you are paying attention) find the opening in the trees called Harmony Hills Campgrounds. 
If you ever wanted to get away and get closer to God, going to Harmony Hill could certainly be the first step.  The land was donated to the ministry decades ago by the Pain family.  The Pains were (and I assume still are) godly people who owned many acres of land in that area.  To get to their farm, you would need to continue on a bit farther, turn off on a gravel road and drive to the dead end. 
No one has lived on the Pain farm for many years.  When I was a boy visiting Harmony Hill, I remember a group of men and boys camping out in the corner of a field near the old Pain house.  We stayed up late after dark and listened to the men's stories around the camp fire.  The old house was rumored to be haunted, and we dared each other to go closer and check it out.
Years later, as a young man, I went back to the Pain farm.  Nothing much seemed to have changed, but I took time to look around and question the mystery of the large abandoned property.  The real mystery came when I walked behind the large two-story house and studied the remains of an old wooden shed.  The wildlife and vegetation had claimed it.  The roof had been blown off in a storm, and there was little left of the rest of the structure, but remarkably, there was still a chair at a desk.  On the desk was an open book the size of a typical Bible and a pair of glasses.  Because of the exposure to the whether, the pages of the book were molded together like papermashe' and unledgeable.
It seemed as though someone used that small building for quiet time and study, and one day they laid their glasses down, got up, stepped out and never returned.
How many of us are like the living dead of the Pain farm?  We have the Word of life.  We study it for a season and get our fill.  Then, we walk away and forget to return to it's life giving pages.  The walls of our little sanctuary fall apart and are blown away, but we don't even notice as we move about our busy lives far away from where we left Him.

A Choreographed Life

Someone was sharing with me a few weeks ago about how afraid she was of not following God's plan for her life.  "What if I take the wrong job, move to the wrong house, or send the kids to the wrong school?  What if I do something wrong that alters God's perfect plan?  How can things ever be set right again?"  She seemed convinced that there was one God-ordained path for her life, and she was terrified to take a step for fear it might forever lead her down a different road and therefore, out of God's perfect will for her life.  I tried to console her, encourage her to just run with her passions in Christ, but it was very hard for her to grasp it all and find peace.

Around that time, I reluctantly bought tickets to a high school friend's dance recital.  My daughters wanted to see Amanda perform, and I was happy to support her, but a dance recital -honestly!?
Anyway, when the day eventually arrived, Keen had spent the night with a friend, and Heidi had gone to Worlds-of-Fun.  It was just me and Kendra.  It seemed like a healthy father-daughter date, but when we got there, Kendra wouldn't sit with me.  So there I was, a 35 year-old-man, siting alone, watching young girls dancing -awkward.
I will say, Amanda did incredible!  Her confidant smile, unexpected skill and perfect form was astounding.

The next day the experience hit me at a deeper level.  That silly little dance recital was like our "walk" with God.

When the little preschoolers filed onto the stage, people giggled and cheered.  There was no trouble with the director coming out and helping the little ones with the basics. And everyone was pleased to watch them sit in a row and slowly raise their arms like blooming flowers or trot around in circles like butterflies.  The occasional wave to mom just added flavor.

Yet, when the high school dancers came out, there was much more expectation.  The dancers not only needed to know where they were to be at every step of the performance, they were also expected to use proper form and technique with each move.  The audience didn't mock or criticize when there was a stumble or a miss, but they often cheered when a tough move was made or some unexpected step was beautifully timed.

I think of God's "plan" a lot like that dance recital.  God is not just the a spectator, He is the director.  There are times when He needs to come out and give specific direction, and there are times when a wave to the crowd might be cute, but mostly, He just wants us to stay focused, smile and dance.  Yes, there is a plan, and yes, you will stumble and miss a move here and there, but just keep your mind on the task and move as best you know how. 

The picture I prefer is when the crowd is all gone, and you are just dancing for the joy of it and to make your instructor proud.  He may stop you occasionally to show you a new move or to improve your style, but then, He steps aside and lets you just do what you love to do.  Dance for Him.

Tears of Injustice

"Fifteen girls are going to have their hearts broken, and he doesn't even care!" Tears streamed down Kendra's face as we stood alone in a dark room, and she was almost yelling in frustration over what she saw as selfishness and injustice.
Once a week the children at the hostel are treated to a movie night. They get out the projector in the chapel, and stay up late watching movies. The moving pictures are a treasured escape from the concrete walls of the campus and the slow pace of village life.
This week, the girls had their hearts set on watching a certain teenage chick-flick that had been loaned to us by a local missionary family. The movie was a common kids movie in the States, but it was contrary to the values the hostel leadership was trying to teach.
Kendra didn't understand how offencive the movie was to the leadership. All she could see was a young male administrator practicing his authority by overruling the girlie movie so he could watch a guy movie. Kendra knew they would watch the chick-flick in Thai, so she wouldn't be able understand the movie if the girls won. That wasn't the point. In her mind it wasn't fair. The one with the power should not ignore the voices of so many and selfishly do as he or she wishes.
I was so proud of my young justice fighter. I told her that it's good to hurt for the suffering of others, but we must not let the love for the seemingly oppressed turn into finger-pointing and passing judgment on those who hold the power. We must not let the love for some turn to bitterness for others.
It's interesting how so often my children face the same frustrations I do just on a different level. It's so easy to speak truth into their "little" issues, but usually when I do the words swing out of my mouth, slap me on the cheek and dart back in my own ear to stab my heart right where I'm struggling.

Getting demerits and taking a stand

Last week, I attended a training course. We were learning about the school system my children are in, so they had us take the place of a student in order to experience and better understand it. This was a real test of my pride. It's very hard to humble yourself like a child especially when the rules seem ridiculous and controlling.

Our instructor was a sober, elderly, Philippine woman (Outside of the classroom, I found her to be a very tender-hearted, Godly woman). She had specific procedures for every aspect of her classroom. She would tell us when we could sit, when we could stand, what color of pen to use where, and when it was appropriate to raise your hand. Always face forward in your chair. Always push in your chair when you stand. Always use "blessed words" ("May I Please...Thank you"). Pencils are only to be sharpened during brakes, and the list goes on. Any violation of the procedures was grounds for a demerit (three demerits = detention).

My partner was a younger guy with a history of a short temper. By about the third day, as his demerits and detentions were accumulating, his frustration was evident. But the wise and patient teacher responded with, "Guard your heart, Sir."

I laughed (quietly, of course), but it was something I needed to hear as well, not just in that classroom but in many other aspects of life.

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One of my dear friends is a young man trying to learn English. We get to to spend a lot of time in the truck together as we pick up and drop off the kids at school, so this is good time for him to practice his English and teach me a little Thai. Today, he was telling me about his high school.

Each day the kids would gather in front of the school, and the teachers have them bow down and worship an idol. There was only one other Christian in his class, and each time the two of them refused to bow. His friends would turn to him and say, "Come on, bow." But he would not. He finished his story by saying, "...when you are Christian, you are different."

More About God's Provision

Keen and his friends are wanting to start a soccer team. Yesterday, they went on a 17 kilometer run (10.5 miles) through sun and rain. I was very impressed, and he got up pretty sore this morning. As I understand, him and his friends made it back about an hour ahead of the coach and some of the other lead players. He said he cramped up, but the pain goes away if you just keep running.

Before they left, I was drawing water at the well with some of the kids.
Sahmalie: "You run with the boys?"
Me: "No, I don't have shoes for running."
Sahmalie: "Yes, you do." (She pointed at my bare feet.) "God gave you shoes."
Me: "No, they are like baby, tender and soft."

This conversation has been hunting me. She was right. This young girl has learned a valuable life lesson. We think we need this and that, and we all have our excuses why we can't get involved, but God provides and has provided. In so many ways, I just need to get out of my comfort zone, toughen up and run the race He has for me.

The Provider

I found out about 7:30 this morning that I was to be preaching the morning service, and I had already committed to take a walk with the girls before church. I quickly went to my room and found a Scripture, and a few minutes later we went on our walk. We came in late for church, but I think the Lord chose the Scripture and gave me an appropriate illustration. He is my provider in so many ways.

After church we had a meeting with the hostel kids and staff to talk about rules and chores. The headman was very concerned that our electric bill was over 5,000 Baht (that's about $175 for the entire campus for a month). He explained that we could have cut back on our spending and had enough money to feed six families in Burma.

This is not the fluff we tell our children, "Clean your plate...there are starving children in Africa." (As though, somehow our consuming more will help either our empathy or their situation) He is serious. He could probably tell you their names. They are real people, and our spending habits effect their lives. So do yours, whoever you are.