The Pilgrim's Progress

As a young man, I was zealous for Christianity. This got me into Bible college, church leadership and world travel. I was trained to preach, teach and evangelize.

When I went to Southeast Asia the first time, I had to begin to come to terms with the fact that I really didn't know what I was preaching. I was assigned to go with a group of girls, and because of the culture, I was forced to be the lead spokesmen. No longer would my simple Sunday School answers work. Silly skits and self-help-love-your-neighbor-motivational speeches just don't have the same impact cross-culturally, and they lack the depth of truth needed to pull someone out of ingrained paganism and idol worship. What was I preaching? What was my message? What is the Gospel? Was it that the creator made a bunch of rules that none of us can follow, so He sent His Son to suffer and die to set us free from His own instructions!? How does that work? Is the Son working against the Father? Did the Son accomplish what the devil could not, allowing guilt-free braking of the Father's instructions in righteousness?

I remember confessing to the leader, “I have nothing to say.” To which she retorted, “That's a lie!”

I managed to preach the sermons like I knew what I was talking about.

When I returned to Thailand the next year, I felt like G-d was telling me to just shut up and listen. This seemed strange as I was supposed to be a missionary, sharing Christ, evangelizing, ect. I thought, “Salvation is found in knowing the Savior.” But even the demons know who the Savior is, so it can be just knowledge/education. So I thought, “It's about selflessly loving your neighbor.” But nearly every religion teaches love. Are all religions the same with different packaging? That's certainly not what the Scriptures say. “Do not worship the L-RD your G-d in the way these pagan peoples worship their gods.” Deuteronomy 12:4

I realized that I needed and wanted to know the message of the Messiah.

One day, over tea, a close missionary friend confided in me that he couldn't reconcile the G-d of the Old Testament with the G-d of the New Testament. The first seemed to be about laws, judgment and wrath while the latter seems to be about peace, love and forgiveness. How can this be? How does this work?

I was disappointed with myself that I could not give him an answer.

Meanwhile, I was doing an independent study trying to finish my Bible college degree. One of the assignments was to interview someone from a different religion. So I met with a Islamic professor. During the interview, she asked me, “Do you follow the teachings of Paul; or do you follow the teachings of Jesus?” That was a curve ball I wasn't expecting. I hadn't made the comparison, so I denied that there was a difference.

Again, I was disappointed at my ignorance.

Another year or two passed, and I was back in the states. One day, while reading my Bible I found myself in Leviticus 23. There G-d is explaining His annual holidays, and He repeatedly says (in various ways) “...it shall be a statute forever throughout your generations in all your dwellings”. I thought, “I have never done these.” So I walked across the street to the seminary student center. I explained that one of the biblical holidays is coming up, and I would like to be involved if anyone is acknowledging it. The lady looked at me a little puzzled and said, “I don't think anyone is dong anything for that.”

I walked away thinking, “Some-thing's wrong. Our scriptures repeatedly say to do this forever, and the place that trains our spiritual leaders doesn't follow the instructions.”

So I got on craigslist and found a family that celebrates according to the Scriptures. They came over, and we had a good visit, but they lived too far away to fellowship regularly. The man recommended I watch some teachings by Jim Staley with Passion for Truth Ministries. I watched some of the teachings, but replied by email to my new friend, “If you're trying to bring back the Law, no thank you.”

I was willing to obey by having more holidays, but I didn't want the responsibility/obligation of real lifestyle change. I thought, “Didn't Jesus change all that, so we don't have to follow all those rules anymore?”

Meanwhile, my mom was exposing the paganism in Christmas and Easter. It didn't take much research at all to see that she was right, and those are some disgusting holidays. But my conscience began to bother me about Sunday. Again, it wasn't hard to find that Sunday really isn't the Sabbath. Yet I always understood that Christians are still responsible to follow the ten commandments, so what do we do about the 4^th?

In my ignorant zeal, I began to follow the Lunar Sabbath. This is a theory that teaches that the weekly Sabbath is based on the New moon, and therefore changes each month. One month the 7 day cycle may start on Tuesday; the next month it may be Wednesday, and so on. My employer was very compliant with my confusing calendar, but it was rather silly. I later realized that Yeshua affirmed the Saturday Sabbath cycle that the Jews were and still are honoring.

It was during this time that Heidi and Kendra (my daughters) moved out, and I moved back to KC to be with Keen (my son, who was attending a private Christian school). We then attended my grandfather's church on Sunday's, but I was secretly (halfway) honoring a different Sabbath.

One day, an old friend invited me to meet him for coffee at McDonald's. I was really into End-Time prophecy, and I was always hungry to find another piece to the puzzle. He asked for my thoughts on Isaiah 65 and 66. “What do you think about this?” he asked pointing to the first few verses of 65. This is the end of Isaiah's prophecies. G-d is giving a list of things (or people) that have Him infuriated enough to bring judgment on all flesh with fire and bring about a New Heaven and New Earth. End-Times... hasn't happened... right up my alley... bring it... and then I read, “...A people who provoke Me to anger continually to My face;...Who eat swine’s flesh, And the broth of abominable things is in their vessels;” And later He mentions it again in 66:17, “'Those...Eating swine’s flesh and the abomination...Shall be consumed together,' says the L-rd.”

It was like a light came on. I thought, “If the dietary instructions still apply, maybe all the instructions still apply.” I argued with my Torah observant friend for a couple weeks, but all my arguments fell flat under the wealth of Scripture against me.

Of course, I went to Peter's vision. But Peter and the elders both interpret the dream as an invitation to Gentiles. With two interpretations of the vision, no one mentions food after Peter's confusion is settled.

I went to Yeshua's declaring “all foods clean,” but in both passages He is talking about the tradition of hand washing (although good for health and hygiene, it's not a Torah commandment). Just because I'm ceremonially unclean (because I had an adult occurrence, a fun night with the wife, touched a dead body a couple days ago, etc) doesn't mean I have to fast until I'm in proper standing again, nor does the hand washing make me or the food extra sanctified. And pig (for example) was never food anyway; the Torah tells us what is food and what is not food. So declaring all foods clean changes nothing.

I realized that there is one thing that the Messiah said not to think. He said, “Do not think that I came to destroy the Law or the Prophets. I did not come to destroy but to fulfill. For assuredly, I say to you, till heaven and earth pass away, one jot or one tittle will by no means pass from the law till all is fulfilled.” I have learned that when a Jew talks about doing a commandment (giving to charity for example), it is referred to as fulfilling the command. He obeyed (fulfilled) all of Torah, and we are to live like He lived and fulfill the Torah also. He said, “If you love Me, keep My commandments.”

I even tried the argument that the Torah is just for the Jews. But that fell apart terribly. To begin with, it was a mixed multitude that came out of Egypt and received the Torah. Then, He says, “One ordinance shall be for you of the assembly and for the stranger who dwells with you, an ordinance forever throughout your generations; as you are, so shall the stranger be before the Lord. One law and one custom shall be for you and for the stranger who dwells with you.” Numbers 15:15-16 Even Paul says, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Yeshua the Messiah.” Galatians 3:28

Then the excuse came up that those instructions are only for when the people are in the land, and we are a long way from Israel so they don't apply to us in this place. But this is a terribly weak point in light of passages like: “Now it shall come to pass, when all these things come upon you, the blessing and the curse which I have set before you, and you call them to mind among all the nations where the L-rd your G-d drives you, and you return to the L-rd your G-d and obey His voice, according to all that I command you today, you and your children, with all your heart and with all your soul, that the L-rd your G-d will bring you back from captivity, and have compassion on you, and gather you again from all the nations where the L-rd your G-d has scattered you.” Deuteronomy 30:1-3

I began to read the Scriptures with new eyes looking for evidence of the eternal commandments, and I began to feel like it was on every page. Why hadn't I seen this before? There was no longer a disconnect between the Old and New Testaments. Its one story with one unified message.

Moses is saying it repeatedly. For example: “You shall not add to the word which I command you, nor take from it, that you may keep the commandments of the L-rd your G-d which I command you.” Deuteronomy 4:2

“‘Cursed is the one who does not confirm all the words of this law by observing them.'...” Deuteronomy 27:26

The Psalmist says it over and over. For example: The longest chapter in the Bible, Psalm 119, is dedicated to the topic.

142 “Your righteousness is an everlasting righteousness,

And Your law is truth.

143 Trouble and anguish have overtaken me,

Yet Your commandments are my delights.

144 The righteousness of Your testimonies is everlasting;

Give me understanding, and I shall live.”

160 “The entirety of Your word is truth,

And every one of Your righteous judgments endures forever.”

The Messiah even says, “...For this cause I was born, and for this cause I have come into the world, that I should bear witness to the truth...” (John 18:37) And a chapter earlier He defines Truth as He prays with, “Sanctify them by Your truth. Your word is truth.” (John 17:17 granted, I don't understand how John got record of these two conversations, but that is for a deeper study).

All the Prophets are talking about it. “Yet the L-rd testified against Israel and against Judah, by all of His prophets, every seer, saying, “Turn from your evil ways, and keep My commandments and My statutes, according to all the law which I commanded your fathers, and which I sent to you by My servants the prophets.” 2 Kings 17:13

“Remember the Law of Moses, My servant,

Which I commanded him in Horeb for all Israel,

With the statutes and judgments.

Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet

Before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the L-rd.” Malachi 4:4-5

The Apostles affirm it. For example, Peter says, “[H]aving been born again, not of corruptible seed but incorruptible, through the word of G-d which lives and abides forever, because

'All flesh is as grass,

And all the glory of man as the flower of the grass.

The grass withers,

And its flower falls away,

But the word of the L-rd endures forever.'

Now this is the word which by the gospel was preached to you.“ 1 Peter 1:23-25

The other writers make it clear (with perhaps the exception of Paul, but again, we can get into that later). “For I give you good doctrine: Do not forsake my law.” Proverbs 4:2

“Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter:

Fear G-d and keep His commandments,

For this is man’s all.” Ecclesiastes 12:13

In contrast to the signs of who is included in the Kingdom and how we ought to walk, we also find many disturbing passages defining who is not and why. “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘L-rd, L-rd,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, ‘L-rd, L-rd, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!’” Matthew 7:21-23

“One who turns away his ear from hearing the law, Even his prayer is an abomination.” Proverbs 28:9

“To the law and to the testimony! If they do not speak according to this word, it is because there is no light in them.” Isaiah 8:20

I realized that, as I taught children religion apart from the Torah, I was one of the wolves in sheep's clothing that Yeshua was warning about. Because the prophet Ezekiel defines a leader who is a wolf, “Her priests have violated My law and profaned My holy things; they have not distinguished between the holy and unholy, nor have they made known the difference between the unclean and the clean; and they have hidden their eyes from My Sabbaths, so that I am profaned among them. Her princes in her midst are like wolves tearing the prey, to shed blood, to destroy people, and to get dishonest gain.” 22:26-27

I found a ministry (119ministries) that helps Greek-minded westerners like us better understand how the Torah is lived in todays world and why. I loved it and ate it like candy. I was so hungry for answers. Their motto seemed to be “Test everything”, and they encouraged their viewers to test their teachings with the scriptures.

After I repented and began my walk in the Way, the Truth and the Light (not that I have arrived or have it all figured out), I was so excited about this new insight, and I was concerned for my loved ones who where outside of Truth. So I somewhat threw it in their faces, and quoted scriptures like,

“...The Gentiles shall come to You

From the ends of the earth and say,

'Surely our fathers have inherited lies,

Worthlessness and unprofitable things.'” Jeremiah 16:19

This is not what parents and grandparents like to hear. Go figure. Its kind of like the proverb, “A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city: and their contentions are like the bars of a castle.” 18:19 I didn't know how to present it to them, and I thought that if they would just watch 119ministries' teachings they would understand. This made it look like Brian found some website and joined some cult. The poor poor man...yada yada.

Anyway, it's been (and still is) an exciting journey, and I'm happy to go on and give more details, but hopefully this gives you a little better understanding of the changes I have made in my life lately. I love the Torah. Moses was right; in it you will find Life. It's the primary message of the sermon on the mount. We have a rock we can build our lives on. It is the foundation that our entire value-set and world-view should be based. When we detox bad doctrine, misguided cultural priorities and personal opinions about how to love/serve G-d and others, and we in-turn reprogram our minds and hearts around what He says is important and how He says He wants to be loved / served, our walk goes to a much deeper level (if we were even walking to begin with).

A couple moments from the morning routine

One of my responsibilities is to be the adult in the back of the truck each morning. Instead of school buses we use small trucks with padded bench seats, a roll cage and roof over the bed. My truck has 14 children mostly from the hostel.

It's a beautiful drive through the mountains, but sometimes it's nice to just close my eyes and listen to the girls sing. Usually it's in Thai, and I don't understand, but it doesn't matter. The voices of these half-dozen upper-elementary school girls are the perfect sound track to the setting.

A few days ago, I was surprised to hear them sing in their broken English,
"Make a difference in me, make a world of difference. From the
inside out let it show.
Make a difference in me, make a world of difference. Change me
so the world will know.
Change me Jesus, let your love shine through. Change me Jesus,
make me more like you..."

These Christian children are taken each morning from the safe, positive environment of the Outreach to Buddhist schools where they are criticized and discriminated against for their faith. They were probably taught this song by a short-term missions group from the states. Thank you to whoever that was. You touched the heart of this white boy.

Maybe you just had to be there, but it was "a moment" for me. So beautiful, so inspiring.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days later, on the same routine drive, we happened to be passing the market at the same time the monks were there making their morning rounds. We stopped at an intersection next to a row of five monks and their "caddie." They stood with their backs to the street, just inches from our truck, waiting for handouts from the shopkeepers. I noticed that a number of market workers had left their work to bow down and worship before the monks in the middle of the morning rush.

It was disturbing to me on two levels. First, I was struck by how lost this culture is spiritually. Then, as we drove on, I began to compare their devotion to that of the American Christian. How many of us would take time out of our busy morning routine to make a humbling statement of faith for several minutes on a crowded sidewalk?

God help us all, the lost on the streets and the found that are sleeping.

Some highlights from the past few weeks

Offended a co-laborer by going to sleep in the first staff meeting (jet lag was rough).
Helped make bricks.
Scolded Heidi for making fun of the king in public.
Worked with hostel kids to sort trash into 3 categories (compost, burnable, and plastics).
Planted vegetable trees.
Called Mom to make her feel better.
Planted banana trees.
Took a walk with Keen.
Found that the sorted trash had all been taken to the burn pile.
Planted lemon grass (mosquito and bug repellent).
Went to an organic farm to learn about growing worms to produce fertilizer.
Made new desks for the school.
Built two outhouses.
Stopped to watch the sunset over the mountains (We can count 7 layers of mountains in one direction form the new campus)
Sent the hostel boys in to rescue Kendra from the "rat" in her room.
Installed "security systems" in the boys dorm and school building (rebar on windows)
Bought Kendra a rat trap.
Built bunk beds for boys' dorm.
Led communion for Sunday Service.
Got beat by a little girl at checkers.
Gave Kendra permission to move into girls' dorm.
Rebuilt the dish-washing station
Gave Heidi permission to move into girls' dorm.
Fought to stay awake in second staff meeting.
Brainstormed with Nick about windmill designs.
Brainstormed with Dad about timber construction and proper footing for adobe buildings.
Took a walk with the girls.
Bought graph paper to make building designs for the new campus.
Visited a rice mill.
Ate fried termites.
Shaved my goat and stash (but Ahtapa said, "No more shaving.").
Went to a mountain village to comfort a family that lost a baby to malnutrition.
Appreciated the natural light, but was a little uncomfortable with the glass walls on the public restroom.
Played in a 300 foot cascading waterfall.
Received temporary healing from a terrible headache long enough to preach a Sunday morning sermon.
Slept like a baby.

Society Without Me

Burma (from the trip last summer)

May the Lord send workers.

It's my first real attempt at making a video and about 4 minutes long (not 7+ like it may say).

If your viewing this from Facebook, you may have to go to http://menefeesmind.blogspot.com/

-Peace

All that and a bag of chips

A dear friend told me a few months ago that I had a chip on my shoulder, but I don't think it was a very fair observation. Truth is, since she pointed it out, I've found a pile of chips on my shoulders, and they've been weighing me down and smothering me.

It started toward the end of last year's trip to southeast Asia. After witnessing the imbalance in the global Church and experiencing the needs of our ignored brothers ans sisters, I was faced with the question of "What do I do now?"

But I'm afraid my empathy for one continent turned to bitterness toward another, and my longing to do the right thing turned in to an ego driven determination. "Brother, I'm on a mission of love from God, so don't stand in my way or I'll calmly attack you, your lifestyle, and your worldview with scripture and statistics that will make you cower to my wisdom and humble perspective."
Somehow in my pursuit of justice, I became the judge.

02. Nuisance The Boy vs The Cynic by John Reuben

Lyrics: So here we are in this same old spot Knowing something needs to happen but our mouths are locked Tongue tied closed tight sealed shut yup I tried hard but it just wouldn’t come up It’s on the tip of my tongue it’s in the front of my mind Yet the words were still so hard to find Finally the reality of things to come pushed me to the edge I jumped off the cliff into the abyss as I said chorus I’m not trying to be a nuisance I just think we can do better than this that was simply my two cents you can you can take it or leave it The conversation lingered on and on and Before I knew it night had turned to dawn and Were we searching for the truth in all of it Or are we debating just to win the argument Cuz none of us want to hear about where we go wrong This song could easily be from me to you or me to John Cuz I have the potential to be the guiltiest My greatest strength is also my strongest weakness (chorus) Let’s think about this path that we’re taking Let’s think about this future we’re creating Let’s think about this life that is fading Think about it, come on think about it now Let’s think about this time that we’re spending Investing in monetary things that are ending Let’s think about it and let’s think together And let’s think about what we can do to make it better (chorus) We can and we will do better than this

We're not in Kansas anymore, Todo

I think I'm in the land of the poppy fields. It's that place in OZ where the witch has cast her spell, and it slows our journey as we stop to do nothing. It feels like I've been watching grass grow for weeks. I'm so bored, so trapped. We're waiting, waiting on money mostly. We aren't currently involved in any real ministries and have virtually no social life, and it's killing us. It's like cabin fever to the max.

I know, I should live in the moment. Seize the day! Life is ministry! Be in the now! But my heart and mind just aren't here. I never really left Thailand. God has shown me where He wants us. I am only physically here taking care of physical things. Watching the clock, watching the calendar, waiting for the sale on the house to close, waiting for the tax return, getting things in order.

There's also something about being back in your parent's house. Even though they don't live here, I still feel like a dependent. Often, when I sleep, I am a child in my dreams.

Is there a fast forward button we can push to get through this transition time?

the journey inward

A friend recently suggested I Google "Celtic Monasticism." I'm glad he did, and though it has put me to sleep several times today, I'm finding the study quite intriguing.

"...the Celtic saints were travelers who journeyed far and wide, leaping into their tiny coracles and setting sail on the sea, often without oars or sails, and often without a specific destination, content to let God take them where God would...

Their love of travel was motivated by their love of God; their journey was undertaken in order to come closer to God. Theirs was a journey in which oars or sails were not necessary, for that for which they were searching was to be found not without, but within: It has been said that, "The longest journey is the journey inward" (Dag Hammarskjold). The peregrinations of the Celtic saints were ways of expressing outwardly a journey which they wanted to undertake inwardly...

This journey was a journey in which one achieved stability of soul, a constant striving after God in which one might remain in a single place while nevertheless being constantly on the move. On the other hand, one might stay in a single place and nevertheless be on a journey of intense transformation. Celtic monasticism is a world in which journey and stability of place are not at odds at all, but expressions of one spiritual ideal...

...the constant peregrinations of the saints were not an effort to find God, as the hymns tells us that if you can't find God where you are, there's no need to go anywhere else looking for him. The Celtic saints were deeply aware of the omnipresence of God, beside us, beneath us, above us, all around us and within us and all creation. Celtic monasticism full of such peregrini who, in their constant wanderings, spread monasticism throughout Ireland, to Scotland, and Northumbria, and later to continental Europe."

http://www.faculty.de.gcsu.edu/~dvess/ids/medieval/celtic/celtic.shtml

It's not so much a career, as much as an adventure

"So were you born and raised around here?" I asked a new co-worker yesterday.
He promptly replied, "No, I'm from Green County. It's like a hundred miles from here."

With plans of moving in a few months, job hunting is a bit... awkward. Soon after coming to town, I started working for a handyman down the street, but after about a month, he ran out of work. So I quickly landed a job working for another local carpenter, but his work soon dried up after about a month as well. (Don't look at me. I like to think of it as if I just work so hard, I keep working myself out of a job.)

So last Tuesday I headed off to the big city of Lexington to find some temp work. I visited about a half dozen staffing agencies. Two took my resume, and only one had me fill out an application. I was feeling a bit defeated.

Wednesday I decided I might as well get some cash out of the day, so I went into donate plasma. Long story short, I ended up blacking out during the procedure. My pulse dropped down into the forties. I went into convulsions and dry heaves, but you better believe I walked out with my $25.

Thursday about 5:30AM, I found myself at a "work today paid today" labor staffing service, and by 7:30AM I was listening to five of the seven guys on my crew compare notes about their prison experiences. That day we unloaded about 350 pieces of furniture, and I went home with a wapp'n $50.

Friday, I was contract labor for a moving company (Excuse me, we are not "movers." We are "installers"). This company has hired me, and I've been working there this week. It's good work and pay considering my "career goals."

On a serious note, one of my new co-workers took advantage of a moment we were alone today, and he referred to me as "a man of God" and asked a very personal theological question. It made all of last week worth it.

The loss of George

The study of missions has made me more aware of cultures and cultures within cultures. It's really interesting to watch how people interact. It's particularly eye opening when you step out of your own for a season and then return.
I have recently been amerced in to the Kentucky blue-collar world, and I find it quite amusing. I stopped to listen to a couple of men talking at the job site today. They thought I was interested in the conversation, and I was to a degree. But what really intrigued me was the fact that one of them was speaking English with such a country slur I had to make an effort to follow. It was like another language.

One dear friend invited me to his "place" for lunch. He owns quite a bit of land a long the river with a number of rental properties, but he's living out of several tents and a RV trailer. He's planning on turning his "new" box truck into living space as well. His house burnt down about 5 months ago, and He's working on rebuilding, but the kicker for me was the lumber delivered today, not for the house, but for the new deck he wants me to help him build over the river.
How people determine priorities and lifestyles is fascinating. He loves his simple, debt-free living, and even his wife seems happy.

This Thanksgiving brought a bit of a downer for him though. He had befriended a couple of wild, white geese. They knew his voice. As he would walk down toward the river and call, "George!...Lucy!" And they would start honking.
He went to visit his daughter for Thanksgiving, and when he returned, Lucy was alone and honking inconsolably. These sort of geese mate for life. Someone must have shot George for their family feast. My friend was so angry the next time I saw him, he said, "I hate people." He took time off to make Lucy a home on the bank out of bails of straw.
Today when we went to lunch, he made sure to feed her. "I gotta' keep her eating through her morn'n."
One of his friends was there and asked about her mate. He seemed upset as well to hear of the loss and agreed to help get her a new partner.

Some would argue that these folk have their priorities messed up and need to change their lifestyles, and how this all meshes with my Christian views of priorities and such is up for debate. But I'm gleaning some insight from the riverbank and learning a bit about love from this culture within my culture.

Too true

A treasured friend in Thailand sent this to me today speaking of the urgency of the Gospel.

This is the time, no more delay!
This is the Lord's accepted day.

Come, thou, this moment, at his call,

And live for him Who died for all.

Your grounds forsake, your oxen quit,

Your every earthly thought forget,

Seek not the comforts of this life,

Nor sell your Savior for a wife.

Pillars of salt stop running

I'm in such a fog. I usually have a mental priority list, a plan of action, a reason to stay busy, but lately --I just feel --unmotivated. Should I pack? Should I work on the house? Should I work on homework? Should I visit with friends? Should I go to bed and hope it makes better sense in the morning?

A treasured friend asked me last night what I'm running from. I didn't expect that, and I didn't know how to answer, but nor did I dismiss it. I have some insightful friends, and they often see my shortfalls before I do.

IF I am running, perhaps it's from routine, or from pointlessness, or from materialism, or from conformity, or from temptation, or from worldly responsibilities, or from my heritage, or from the fear of regret.

On the other hand, perhaps, instead of from something, I am running to it. It could be to confront my past, or to find God's will, or to a greater purpose, or to protect my kids, or to help my parents, or to have an adventure, or to prepare for the mission God has for me.

Could it be all the above, and --is that wrong? --Maybe it will make sense in the morning.

Perspective

I was late for work this morning, because the silly "foster dog" got loose twice (anybody want a free, golden husky? I'm not joking). Then, we spent most of the work day blowing insulation in an attic. Since I was already filthy, I decided to clean the loft of the barn when I got home. I tried to burn some of our huge brush and lumber pile, but it was too wet. Then, I worked until twilight digging 8 fence-post holes. Of course, a Home Depot trip had to be worked in to the day, so I picked up over 600 pound of concrete. Finally, I got the last load of dirty (and wet, due the the flooded basement) laundry is in the washer. I just realised; I missed supper.

Thank You, Lord, for... the low-stress job, the dirty barn, the rain, the brush pile (for hot dogs and marshmallows), the health to do manual labor, the new fence, a basement, clothes to get dirty (and the kids that dirty them), and... my ice cream :o)

Saturday priority problems

I searched all day for my inspiration to clean the house. I never did find it. Perhaps it's under the pile of papers on my desk or in the heap of coats on the chair. It couldn't have possibly found its way into the dishwasher, could it?

I shouldn't say, really, that I searched all day. I gave up rather early on, and the thought of it simply hunted me all day. Instead, I fled to Home Depot and spent more of my tax return. There really ought to be a support group for that, or a 12 step program of some kind. No, better yet, 3 steps (I'm easily lost or distracted).

Stop reading between the lines; I can't think that fast

It seems there are phases of life that have themes. The phase may last a few days, weeks, or even months; it's like God's trying to teach me something specific. The theme for now seems to be worldviews and the art of communicating between them. It's amazing how you can live, work and/or worship with someone and realize you have completely different perspectives on the same issue or situation.

I found myself in a one-on-one conversation with a friend today, and it was as if they where having a completely different conversation (Note: I have learned not to make negative stereotypes of the entire opposite gender, BUT one has to admit that this social anomaly occurs most often when I'm talking to one of them). By the end, she was in tears and I was speechless (or perhaps I should say, I was afraid to open my mouth again).

so many details, so little brain

In planning for this summer, I was well ahead of the game. I got my passport back with a surprisingly good photo (I don't look like I'm on drugs at least). With that, I assumed I was ready to leave the country. Then, I got an email from my coordinator (This used to be Pat Rider's job, but now the poor soul's name is Mike S. You might want to remember him in your prayers.) He needed my passport so that he could get my visas. Oh, yes...of course, so eventually I got it in the mail to him (Thank you, Elaine, for the extra $.17 postage and the extra large envelope).

Well, today I got a large envelope in the mail from NMSI! I was so excited. Is it more info about the trip, the culture, the missionaries? Is it support receipts? No, it's my passport!? "Wow, that was fast and easy," I thought. No, the passport was still blank --with a post-it note, "Hey Brian, We need it signed or it isn't valid. Thanks! Mike"

Back to the basics with new attitude and perspective

I'm sure it's no secret that I'm a slow learner, but I still feel embarrassed (and yet obligated) to make a confession in order to share a "simple" truth that I'm only beginning to comprehend. For years, I have had the heart to serve. I've wanted to be involved in the Lord's work, to help build The Kingdom in whatever way the Lord leads. Here am I; send me. What can I do?

This is all good, but somehow the purpose got lost in the effort. I became so task oriented and more focused on what I was (or could be) doing that I overlooked many of the people God wanted me to touch. At one point, a few of my trusted friends and I were talking, and one of them was comparing me to another and quite frankly said, "[He] is nice. Brian, you fake it." I was rightfully disturbed, but I excused it as though they must be mistaken.

As time went on, people often became an annoyance, so much so that I eventually confessed that I really didn't like people. "Ministry would be a lot easier if it wasn't for the people." That all sounds so shallow and foolish now.

I was thinking recently about how wonderful it would be to do something really great for the Kingdom, to be a missionary and reach lost souls for example. The question that immediately hit me was, "When are you going to start?" And right on top of that one was, "How does that happen?"

My great epiphany was so elementary one would think it goes without saying. My logical answer was, "I must start now --with love." I've tried so hard so many times to teach love to kids, but at times, now, I feel like I'm only beginning to practice it. I claimed to love those around me; I had love for them; I even shared love with them at times, but I feel like I'm now starting to give it, to live it.

It's in the little things, like realizing that that goofy kid who is so hard to communicate with deserves no less of my love and attention than anyone else who happens to be in the same room. It's consistent eye contact. It's noticing hurts and acknowledging them rather than avoiding them. It's giving people time and respect (anyone), expecting nothing in return, despite the tasks that are going undone.

In short, it's liberating to truly, selflessly give your life away everyday to each person with which you come in contact --and looking for ways to make that contact.

God help me.

A house of cards

My theology of holiness instructor explained that the flesh is not sinful. God created the physical world and it was good.

I pointed out that at the fall, sin and death entered the world. Thus, the physical world was changed.

He asked if a gun was sinful, or a knife.

I said, no, but a gun doesn't have a mind that seeks self-gratification.

What's bugging me is that he's telling these young students that, if only they were sanctified soul and body, they would not be bent toward sin. Excuse me, but our bodies are selfish, and no matter what our circumstances, we still have to restrain the flesh. This body is a temporary tent. The real me, the eternal me, is my spirit, that wants to serve and honor God. The body has a chemical make up that is selfish. "Feed me. Scratch me. Satisfy me." Selfishness is self-destructive when it stands alone, so the spirit has to keep it in check. "Yes, I'll feed you, but no, you can't have that extra candy bar." The spirit has to call the shots, stay in charge at all times. As long as we are in these temporary tents, we have to keep pounding the pegs down tight. Just because we are sanctified, does not mean that the body is going to sit back and say, "Don't mind me. I'm fine. I don't need or want anything." I fear we are setting these students up for failure if we lead them to believe that their bodies will be holy, sinless, --sanctified with one more trip to the alter and a sincere heart.

Can the fence be considered a road?

I spent another five hours today reading. This time I finished Defence of Christian Perfection by Daniel Steele (not to be confused with the smut author of a similar name). Steele is another Methodist writer from the 1800's. The man seemed to be quite educated, but he was so much in defence that at times he seemed argumentative, which in my understanding, is not becoming to sanctification or Christian perfection. Perhaps it was a holy anger; I should not judge.

Though I am still unsure in which field of theories I should place my foot, I was impressed by this statement by Steele (page 107):

"Experiences are God's work and are always orthodox; theories are of man's devising and are sometimes erroneous. The doctrine of Christian perfection in this life, 'the formal principle of Wesley's theology and the inmost spirit and essence of Methodism' (Dr. Warren), may be erroneous, and the doctrine of successive partial sanctifications never extinguishing depravity may be true. By their fruits let them be judged. Let the latter theory be substituted for the former when it has raised up more saintly men and women, and has communicated a mightier upward impulse to our common Christianity throughout the whole world."

Phoebe Palmer

I got the flu bug again, so I didn't get out much today. I spent a good bit of the day finishing a book called Entire Devotion to God by Phoebe Palmer. I have been grappling with the doctrine of entire-sanctification for sometime, and some may say, "Just let it go," but I do want to find peace with this. Is it possible to live, as many claim, sinless?

One reason I chose this book to study was that I knew Phoebe was a radical, but isn't that what "entire" sanctification is? I told an inspirational friend, a seminary graduate, about the book I was reading, and she said, "That'll mess you up." Great, so how is one to find truth without wading through the false teachers? And is there any guarantee that you won't be influenced by them?

Another trusted friend, with a doctorate in theology, referred to Phoebe as a mystic. I looked up the term and found: "a person who claims to attain, or believes in the possibility of attaining, insight into mysteries transcending ordinary human knowledge, as by direct communication with the divine or immediate intuition in a state of spiritual ecstasy... a person initiated into religious mysteries." Yes, that about sums her up.

So, Phoebe, if I were entirely-sanctified, body and soul, as you claim I can be, would this flu bug not make me so grouchy and impatient?

The Blessing of Advisers

I'm emerging from a 48 hour hibernation. The flu bug bit me hard, and curiously timed, it came the week of a significant decision. I don't like to think of myself as a candidate for self-absorbed depression or a nervous breakdown, but I think I tasted them this week.

I took the job at the Bible School about a year ago, because a friend asked me help with a major remodel project. Meanwhile, I began taking classes. Well, the project is nearly complete, and my supervisor is leaning on me to take less classes this semester. With the pay and moral on campus so low and the opportunity of taking classes diminished, a part of me just wants to walk out, go back to the normal world and work for money again.

One of my friends said, "Now, Brian, don't make a knee jerk decision." That really hit me. As must as I like to think of myself as level headed and consistent, that is what I tend to do, make knee jerk decisions. Thus, I began to get sick. Wednesday I brought the kids home after school, put my pj's on, went to bed and barely emerged until Friday.

It was so bad I succumbed to a foo-foo bath (some in my world think that a hot foo-foo bath will cure all that ales you). The moisturizing bath beads are fascinating, but I found myself studying the mold in the joints of my new tub surround and wondering how long I had to sit there. The answer came soon, as I discovered the plug has a slow leak, so when the water gets down to an uncomfortable level, then you will emerge --about 20 min.

So with no appetite for days, I would return to my bed and pray, "God, give me an answer when I wake up." One of my advisers said, "You have to do what's best for you." That didn't seem like the voice of God. So I went to another wise set of counselors. One of them asked me, "What do you want me to tell you?" I said, "I want you to tell me what to do."

He did, and a great weight lifted off of me. I'm better now.